How dare I take for granted everything I am.  How dare I tear everything apart, destruction without thought, without value, without sight. Horror all round.

How can I call myself human when, in the name of some fantasy in my head, millions upon millions of men, women and children suffer, are torn apart.  Starving people who desperately fight to survive, why do I still not see, they are actually willing to share with me.

How dare I maim the earth in my quest for overall domination, taking everything in my lust without a thought or a care for the devastation.  Leaking black fumes, poisonous odours of foul stench, rivers of plastic acid, burning fields where forests once went, vast farmland that wastes, good soil almost gone.  How dare I  seek to break down the structure of life on earth, wantonly kill animals, not for food but adornment, pretty things for pretty, false, human hearts.

How dare I decide in my manipulation. Create falsehood, blasphemous untruth, leading the innocent to death and destruction.  How dare I create a false culture of lust, try to destroy, kill the crushed.  How dare I make people less than myself to gain overall dominance.  How dare I judge who is right and who is wrong, who is the criminal, who shall be rich and who shall be poor.

How dare I behave like a locust killing everything in  reach. Trying to satisfy what I cannot and will never satisfy because everything I do is for the glory of I.  I sit in my towers and throne rooms demanding that everyone obey the orders I give.  Dividing and conquering as I go along, I take what I can and what I cannot, I lay waste to all I cannot control, and laugh at those who praise what I do to beg crumbs from the table.

My greed is vast, beyond measure, I will never be satisfied until I have consumed all.  I do not understand the  ways of life and regeneration, instead all I crave is the riches of this world and my madness grows, like a river of blood, day by day, hour by hour, in every which way it will.

I pay no heed to the cries of the oppressed, deceived souls I have cast down, I cannot see at all what I have done, the dead boy on the beach, the weeping, wailing, terror and hoplessness.  All I see when I look in the mirror is how strong I am, how powerful I am, how great I am, a beast of a dragon man.

I listen only to what I want to hear from those who benefit from my madness.  I scream down, rape and tear out the eyes of those who dare to tell me a truth I do not want to hear.

And yet, at night I cannot sleep, the air too heavy for me to breath, my life turns circles in my mind, the wrong I have done and oh so many lies. And still the nightingale in the trees reminds me of an innocent past, so long ago it seems now, when I was young, and in those times, I was a man.  I believed in love along the way, I cried, I wept when she was taken away, I was the one who was beaten and bruised, bullied and more by a man I called father and then once more, a beautiful temptress lit a fire and led me to the death of desire.  She, I remember, was one I loved then, still now, again and again, I call her name yet she took all goodness from within torturing me with lies and yet more lies. I could never trust that way again.

Why should I care, I have free choice, I am king of this world and I will give you no voice.  It is my way or the highway, I worked hard to get where I am, you could not do it, too much truth, did not like to steal or lie to get through it.  I, the little abused man from the past, am now a king an emperor of all I survey. I laugh at your conscience, see nothing has happened to me but you are all my slaves now and must do what I say.  I have the power and gold you need.  I will tell you what life is about.  You will listen or die no quarter given or allowed.

Your leaders,  these human men, came to me and begged me to stop, yet they were the ones who, in times gone by did do the same.  It was from them I learned how it should be.  I could not have had better teachers then because now I am king of this world I am.

But, yet, wait who comes along, who is this one woman, so familiar she seems, so strong with long flowing white hair and eyes so piercing blue, light all round, what is it I am meant to do.

What do I see there beating in her chest a heart pinned through with a thousand million darts the blood red hue of blood stark against such pale skin shows dark.  I see her so clear, as never before, a remnant of my love from that distant past shore.

When she speaks, it is as if each tinkle sound rips at my soul I fear my hour of dread, and yet, move a muscle I can’t I am pinned to the ground.  The weeping I see now, I tell you I’d rather not, as in a musical quiet voice she whispers in my ear.

Where have you been, what have you done, where are my children, you have destroyed them one by one.  What have you seen, what have you been, fires, acid, poison, all is destruction, all you has gone.

I am here, I will tell you, though tired to death, I will not lay down my head, I will not give up, I will be like the nightmare you will wish I was not.

I do not lie, I have no fear, you cannot destroy me, or drive me from here.  Whatever you do, however you say, if you kill me, ten thousand appear, and more, so much more, more than that once ten thousand are nought, one hundred thousand you will find at your door, until you change your concept of division and fear.

You are not right, you have no control, your paper money mountain will crumble without thought.  You will have no grave, ashes will be your retreat, you will be cursed to wander for the rest of your days amongst the death you have created at your feet.

This is the change, a change to a time that’s new and we have been waiting here in the background for you.  These arrows here you see that pierce my heart I will give to the earth to become the living barrier to you and where you have gone.

This prison you will live in to see through the bars for one thousand years before you are asked.  For one thousand years, trapped in a cage, a seeker of your salvation.  Families will grow, children appear, the world made whole again and more.  No more destruction, no more lies, man and woman will live together, two halves of the whole to bring our beautiful home back to its own.

A time of peace, of true learning, of living with life.  A time of balance a time of love.  With our creator’s blessing we will lead the way to save this world from what has been done today.  No more stress, no more lies, no more manipulation, no more control.  Can you not see our living forests and families of men have come forward to life as before, once again.  Not in control of, but living you see looking after each other and the beasts of the field as it should be.

This is how life was always meant to be father Yawe blessed us, the creator of all and his son my lord Jesus, one strong humble man, who died for us then on a cross he was nailed.  Yet, the son of Yawe roses, sacrificing himself, he came back whole, defeating all the demons men hold.  I have no lies, I have only tears because of the lives I hold so dear.  You cannot hurt me my Lord is here to protect and be there the love of my life.

And so, I commit myself to do as I must, a sacrifice made clear, for those I care about and those I do not know but hold dear.  A self-sacrifice of love and to peace, I and my sisters the spiral of light do bring to the one true king.  As guardians we pray to God to make clear the paths and the eyes of those who went blind.  We sisters pledge here, to our Lord we do pray bring peace and love back to all we do say.  Please my lord who is all love, let the light shine, once more please guide us, lead us back through the door.  Once more she did turn and looked deep into my soul, I will see you and hear you in one thousand years, I pray by then you have found your day.

At that with a cry that grew louder and louder grew on the wind, my lost love spun to the heavens, the arrows falling round and round, spun in a double helix as they hit the ground. With light and clarity growing from every side, I glimpsed a little, the last thing I saw, a circle of women all holding hands, laughing and singing in the air all round.  As songs grew stronger and new life began there was no room now for the destruction of man.  As each sense failed, each organ sleeping in turn, I felt and embraced the new life that was born. At last before my doom was sealed I felt what I had forgotten before, what I had experienced once so long ago.

Love filled me, filled me and filled me again, light and more light surrounded me till I just could not bear any more.  My heart filled with fear, self-loathing and pain I was shown once again what I had done to the family of man.  A voice spoke to me from a bright cloud above, it is your turn to suffer, to feel right through, what you have done to your own.  As the brightness faded step by step I felt more pain.  I knew loss and sorrow like no other man and so it would be each and every hour until at last I realised and grew, my freedom was purchased, at last with love.

Over the years and the centuries, I watched, I learned, I heard the joy of life being born, the love of love between woman and man.  I watched and learned and heard some more seeking the joy little by little did I grow.  I no longer looked for what was there in the dark but for what was there in front of me that was there that was light.  I knew at that I would never be the same, my heart bowed down to the son of man.  Little by little, step by step, my heart turned to love.  My roots grew strong, my trunk grew broad, after five hundred years my branches grew out. Each year then for five hundred more, leaves and flowers grew and fell as the seasons changed and made me new.  When at last I could stand tall a thousand years of rise and fall. My apples grew fair and ripe and children loved the sweetness of my fruit.  After one thousand years of growth and pain, of seeing again each and every horror, every pain I had caused made plain.  There I stood, strong once more at the start of my journey, this time to serve mankind, the oldest, kindliest, redeemed, most loving tree around.

So now you have heard and seen what I have to say and my tale is done.  I hope and I pray that all you find here will make you stop and think about all you create.  We are of free will you and I, free choice in everything we do and say.  And yet I pray, and I pray each and every day that we choose love and humble, honest, responsible life with glory and praise to our wonderful redeemer of love, hope, life and grace. Amen.  God bless everyone.

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I was homeless once long ago, young, impressionable, with no real idea of this world, or its workings, I took myself off to London, it was the place to be, the streets, well they were “paved with gold,” you see.
My dream?
To make my family recognise I was worth it, I was not a waste of space. I would find a decent job no problem!
The fantasies we create are so harmful sometimes. The culture of greed and manipulation quite literally tears at our souls leaving us numb to any kind of human feeling or acceptance of love.
I lived on the streets for three months before coming home to Scotland. I was so stubborn, living in denial. I would not contact my parents. I would manage, but oh so hungry, cold, tired.
My case like so many others before and after me was riddled with physical and emotional abuse, torture, desperation and survival. That is the immediate survival senses that come into play. The brain finds ways to cope with the un-natural stresses the body has to deal with. This is one well-known situation where addictions to alcohol and drugs play a part. They numb the brain and allow you to survive. I am so lucky that the only addictions I have are tobacco and chocolate.
The after effects, well they can and do last a lifetime. First of all the immediate physical, I picked up fleas from the mattress in a hostel I stayed in. I was weak and physically tired for months after I came home.
Then there is the mental, the emotional, you see, your brain becomes wired up differently, it is just what happens. You find yourself always on your guard, not able to fully relax and enjoy or trust another person`s company. In fact you find it oh so difficult to trust that anything around you is going to last. You become restless, find it difficult to stay in one place, suffer from paranoia and extreme anxiety.
You become seriously motivated to live in survival mode no-one is going to take what you have been given away again. you have guilt from the abuse, you lose your self-esteem and any idea of self-worth believing that everyone must be better than you because their lives have gone so much better than yours.
Your brain becomes addicted to stress and trauma. You live your life with a brain that will not stop running with constant negative self-talk.
My situation became one of Complex Trauma and at various stages of my life the pattern of mental abuse has repeated itself providing layer after layer of abuse reinforcement and although some still will not agree, caused me to suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I am in recovery now, in learning how the mental works through the PDA Mental Health Peer Support course and because of my beautiful, sensitive, loving, caring partner, my ever caring family, and my faith in God which has helped me through the darkest points and helped provide the most contented times, I switched from negative to positive, not always, but most of the time. I write, I work for a Social Enterprise and I am proud to be a peer support worker in recovery.
Why am I writing this?
Because of the homeless people I see on the streets not only of Edinburgh but everywhere I go. I wouldn`t even wish it on you Theresa May.
Because I am weary of seeing destitution and poverty, wasteage of opportunity, talent and lack of investment in the people who live in this country.
I want change, change of attitude, change of philosophy, real change, where people matter, common sense is not a strange viewpoint and there are children and young people laughing and being children and young people again without the needless stress, anxiety and poverty that is destroying our country’s mental health. We need a true champion to help us!
Thank you for reading.
Sandra Marshall



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